Dating over 50
By Barbara Revell
So you are over 50 and dating again. Never thought you would be here did you? Well, throw out all your old ideas of dating and realize they are outdated and will only hang you up. It’s a new world with instant communication, botox and viagra. We look better, feel better and expect more than our parents ever did. But with that looking and feeling better comes a whole new set of problems. Half the population in our country are single baby boomers and we are creating a whole new world of lifestyles and choices.
As confusing as it may be to break all that new ground, it is an exciting time to be single over 50. We do have choices. Many more than previous generations. But to fully embrace these new choices, we sometimes have to open up our mind a bit. Those things we grew up knowing were the right things to do simply don’t apply anymore. Whether we acknowledge it or not, this is a whole new stage in our life. Our children are grown, many of our old friends are still married and we sometimes have to be dragged kicking and screaming into this new life. It’s certainly worth it though and here a few ideas that may help you keep from losing your mind.
When to have sex. Oh yeah, that’s a hot button issue. It’s changed with every stage of your life hasn’t it? In your 20’s it was a pretty open proposition. If you want to, go ahead, it’s ok.
In your 30’s it’s a bit more dicey. If you haven’t found them yet, you are looking for that Mr. or Ms. Right who you just might want to spend the rest of your life with. Even raise children with. Wow. It’s a lot tougher decision then. Can’t just hop into bed with anyone. You have to take a look at their parents, siblings and life choices up to now. And I mean one’s that aren’t changeable. Not how they dress. Oh my God, are they really going to wear that outfit to this party? Where in the world did they find something so hideous? Those things are workable. More like, do they spend more than they make in 6 months on the car they drive? Are my children going to go shoeless so they can drive around in a hot car? You know, life choices.
In your 40’s it’s getting to be a real thought process. Do I or don’t I want to have sex with this person. Are you waiting for the L word? (That’s love for those of you who haven’t given it a lot of coherent thought) Do I really even LIKE this person, or do they just have this really hot body that sets off all those pheromones floating around where it counts? Of course, a lot of people live their life letting those pheromones lead them around by the proverbial nose. That’s why divorce is more likely to happen in your 40’s. That’s why you end up DATING again in your 50’s.
Now you have been married, raised children and worked at a job you totally hated in order to maintain the lifestyle required by whatever social status you were trying to achieve. You are newly divorced, joined a gym and been to the hairdresser for a new hairstyle. Of course, the very first thing you did was to go out and buy a new bedroom set. You simply can’t start a new life with the idea of making love on that old one you shared with your previous spouse. Shudder the thought!
Then you change jobs. Maybe made a whole new career choice. Out goes that stifling job that made you sigh at the beginning of each working day. In goes a job that is centered around what you really wanted to do in the first place, but doesn’t pay as well. So, you might have to cash in some of those stocks, but so be it. Life is for living, and at 50 something, I’m darn sure going to live it!
Sometime after, you go in for your annual check-up. Uh oh. The doc goes ballistic when they take your blood pressure or checks your heart. All those high cholesterol feasts in your marriage days have taken their toll. Time to go on medication. For men, this usually means that medication will be including Viagra. For women it may even mean a lower sexual libido that takes you back to the 40’s syndrome, do I really even LIKE this person?
But, being alone is not always a happy option either, so here you are. Dating again in your 50’s. Oh my. Not the same is it? By now, everyone has lived a lot of life and has a lot of definite opinions on that life. They have had good and bad experiences in their relationships and carry those around like a blinking sign on their forehead. Don’t mess with me. I’ve been there and done that and I’m over it!
You want a relationship, but you want it on different terms. No children to raise and create a bond. No sticking together through those crummy jobs and starter homes. A real relationship based on mutual likes and dislikes. Someone you can TALK to. Yea right. What you start finding out is all those life experiences these people have lived through have shaped an opinionated individual whose opinions most often don’t jive with yours. So after a while, you start conceding. Ok, so I don’t agree with them on a lot of things, but I do like that they love to dance. Or that they enjoy reading or watching old movies.
Then you come to the point where you realize that is simply not enough. Do I really want to spend the rest of my years with someone who I don’t really have all that much in common with? Someone who absolutely drives me crazy in many ways?
So you are back out there again. And you come to realize that there is a way smaller pool of candidates to choose from. So easy in your 20’s wasn’t it? Lot’s of choices. Now you have to look at socio-economic factors. Moral and ethical values. And the hum dinger of all, they are still in love with their ex. That’s a real deal breaker. If you hear one more time how great their ex was at cooking, lovemaking or dancing, you might just shoot them. Why aren’t they still married if the ex was so good? Or, even worse, how much they hate their ex. What a lousy spouse, caregiver or parent they were. How they ate too much, drank too much or had sex too little. How in the world did they even marry that person to begin with? A lot of pheromones floating around obviously. How much more can you tolerate and not lose your basic good humor?
Then you run into the players. The ones that take to being single like a duck to water in their 50’s. They are charming, usually take good care of themselves (well after all, they care only about themselves exclusively, so why not?) and will seem at first to be a dream come true. Only you start to notice that when they are with you they are constantly looking around for your replacement. You are never going to be attractive enough, smart enough or rich enough for them. If you are smart, these don’t usually last long in your life and you pay close attention for the symptoms when you meet someone new. Run like the wind when you meet them.
But all things considered, there are still plenty of good caring people out there for you to date and possibly even spend the rest of your life with. Forget soulmates. That’s a pipe dream. Put that ridiculous concept out of your head. Think about finding someone that you are attracted to for good reasons. Someone that is physically attractive to you, but also someone that will treat you with respect and love. It doesn’t matter what you look like or what your lifestyle is, there will be someone out there just for you.
In the interim, find some good friends to spend time with. If you don’t feel you have any you friends that you still have things in common with, get out there and meet them. Singles clubs are a good source for that. Many people who attend these do so for making new friends, not conquests. You may even find that at this stage in your life, you don’t really need a significant other in your life all that much. There can be very rewarding times spent with friends. Remember this is a new stage in your life and embrace it with your whole heart. If you think about all the stages you have gone through already, you realize they all were conducive to providing the happiness you were seeking at that time. Just consider this the newest stage and jump in. Things don’t have to be the same as they were in your younger years. Be bold and try something new. You just might find you like your new life!
Disclaimer – this is for personal use only and not for reproduction or publishing without the express written permission of the author.
